During my morning commute to work, wearing my Star Trek shirt (see blog post below), I had time to reflect on who I am. In combination with my shirt, and a Facebook friend’s comments the night before, it gave me a lot to think about while crawling in traffic.
My friend had posted that I was pretty – and asked me why I can’t see the person that everyone else sees? As I read her comments, I blinked at my computer screen in confusion. Pretty? Surely, not. But she wrote it, and posted it for all my friend’s and family to see. Maybe she believes it.
Then I started thinking, what happens if I’m getting it wrong? I believe sometimes that people look at me and think she’s stupid, too heavy (fat), or she’s just a waste of time. Many of these comments are rooted in my make-up: things ingrained in the fabric of who I am now, because of words repeatedly said to me as a child.
But at my age, there’s no one left to blame but myself. Now, it’s just me that says those things. Occasionally, someone I know well, or don’t know, will come close to saying those words but they didn’t. But in my ears, all I hear is I’m worthless and it lingers in my ears for days, weeks or months.
Here’s the fallout though: If I believe much of the time, I’m not smart; do I portray that to other people in actions or in words? If I feel like I’m unimportant in someone’s life, do I make the other person feel the same way too by distancing myself? Perhaps my insecurity is not other people’s fault, it’s mine. And as such, I need to address the person within me, that continues to sabotage my chances of success.